[some time passes]

dear gentry,

I have this ridiculous tendency to fall for the people that will make my life as complicated as possible... apparently, this is no exception. I've been doing my damndest to ignore the obviously escalating attraction between us for months, but if last saturday taught me anything it's that it isn't going to go away without a fight.

I guess I'm writing to tell you I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me.

you have a girlfriend. there, it's been stated. it doesn't matter that you've been telling me for the past two months how much you hate her, how soon you're going to leave her, how much your life is about to change............ you always left me to fill in the blank there. what happens after your life changes? I don't know. I wish I did.

I suppose now would be a good time to say that I'm a notoriously self-sabbotaging commitment-phobe. I haven't let myself have a "real" relationship since greg and I went up in flames years ago. I usually don't mention that I'm the one who doused the whole thing in gasoline and lit the match, but that's the truth. I never let down my defenses. I never let people in too far because I never know when it's going to be time to pick up and run.

you have no idea how long it's been since I felt like I didn't have to hedge my bets. I don't feel like that with you, for whatever reason. it's scary but I'm not scared... I feel like it's going to work out somehow, no matter how impossible it seems right now. I guess I'm just gonna hope that all the things you said about your life changing are true because... because...

because I could really see myself being with you for real. I'm not good at relationships, but for you I would really, really try... so yeah.