dear keith,

I'm sorry.

I'm having an incredibly difficult time with this, and I really need you right now. I need you to wrap me up in your arms and squeeze me until I can barely breathe and tell me that you'll always love me this much and... just make me sure. make me feel like you always manage to when I'm feeling all lost and out of control.

I feel lost and out of control right now.

like you're letting yourself forget me. forget everything that happened. forget that just for a minute, you let yourself love me. let yourself cry for me. let yourself kiss me and mean it for once. I feel like you're drifting away from the memories we made while all I'm doing is clinging to them like a life preserver.

I don't want to be here, I don't want to dilute my memories with this stupid landscape and the meaningless words of other people and the endless fucking hours of solitude. I don't want to share you with the hundreds of miles that separate us.

I've come to the obvious but painful conclusion that I'm either going to have to let go of those memories in order to have any chance of functioning normally... or hold onto them if I'm going to have any chance of coming back to find what we have intact. the two desires are nearly impossible to reconcile with one another.

it's so hard to think clearly when nearly every fiber of my brain is saturated with missing you. with trying not to cry every second. with avoiding the phone with my eyes because I don't want to check only to find that you haven't called.

I know the point was to keep our separate lives, to not let the distance break us... but I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure that I can hold onto you without it breaking me, and I know that now is a bad time to break...

I don't know what to do. I can't stop loving you. I can't stop missing you. I just... can't do anything.

I love you.